Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
