hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
