He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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