I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Holy shit dude........stairs
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