Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
