Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
