need another drink. this is the easiest way
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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