I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
