I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
