I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
