My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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