great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
