im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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