they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
