I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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