How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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