did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I deserve to be covered in dicks
be right there i have to get my cape
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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