i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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