cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
