So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
