dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
