You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
