My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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