He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
