Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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