why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
