I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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