Just fell off a train. Bad.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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