Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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