I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
