Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
