I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
