I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
