i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Michael Bay diarrhea
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
