i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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