I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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