My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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