I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
