Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
