Betty ford says i'm here all night
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
