dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize