That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
