Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
