you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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