we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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