i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
