he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
