youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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