hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
