me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
