Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
