You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
