If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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