I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
