HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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