and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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