yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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