I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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