2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
